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Dog Years a “Rip-Off ”? Research Causes Rethink

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Top canine scientists have recently published new research findings that could turn the dog world upside down. The findings suggest a disturbing truth behind the well-established notion that one human year is equivalent to seven dog years: it’s all a lie created by the human public to make dogs think they’re going to live longer. The reality? Most only live into their teens.

The research is preliminary, but already, panic has taken hold of the public. “When my partner found out he only had five or so more years to live, he just started running around and around in a circle, and not in a good way,” said Sparkles of Portland, Ore.

“There’s no reason for alarm,” claimed Fifi, top dog on the project. “This doesn’t mean a dog can’t live a full, productive life. We just have less time in which to do it.” Fifi then left the press conference and ran yelping from the room with her tail between her legs.

But media watchdogs fear that as the word spreads, so will the hysteria. “The last thing we need is a bunch of dogs barking back and forth at each other all over the neighborhoods of America,” said analyst Ginger.