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Revolutionary Software Helps Dogs Understand Humans Humanese is Finally Decipherable

BONN—Scientists announced a breakthrough that promises to make it possible for dogs to actually understand what humans say. Interrelational Technology for Canines and Humans, or ITCH, will process any word emitted from a human and translate the meaning in a matter of seconds.

Preliminary testing of ITCH has revealed some startling discoveries. The common human phrase, “Wanna go for a walk?” does not mean “Hey, look, a dead squirrel!” as was previously thought. Instead, it means, “Want to go out and bark at stuff ?” Even more surprisingly, the phrase, “Who’s my whittle doggy-woggy poo!” translates roughly to “I am a human who loves to act like a complete buffoon around you.”

ITCH is already the buzz of the dog world. “It will be so nice to not just stare at my owner and cock my head when he’s talking to me,” commented Lucy, an excited Norwich Terrier. Scientists did warn that the software does have limitations. Full dog/human conversations are still decades away. That means we’re just going to have to wait to get the answer to that burning question: “Why do you always pick up my poop?”